[Editor’s Note: In the final days of his internship, our Marketing Brandtern, Brian Back, crafted the startup food pyramid based on his observations of the startups over the past few months. We, by no means, endorse this diet. Simply put, don’t try this at home.]
As you may or may not know, the USDA did away with the traditional food pyramid a few years ago, which we had all come to know and love as our visual representation of proper dietary guidelines. It has now been replaced by a colorful icon called “My Plate” which is split into several nutritional sections and formatted on a dinner plate. Unfortunately for USDA officials, “My Plate” is not something that startups can relate to. The main reason being that those who work for startups don’t eat on plates. They are more likely to be eating out of a styrofoam container, on top of a keyboard, or hovered over a garbage can, praying that none of their prized burrito falls out of the tortilla and into a trash-filled abyss.
To solve this disconnect between startups and dietary guidelines, a new “Startup Food Pyramid” was created. This food pyramid was based off observations of startups at The Brandery and the food which they consumed the most of and held in the highest regard. The Startup Food Pyramid is not recommended for anyone other than those who work at startups, or have a seriously flawed view on what the standard of one’s personal health should be.
Base Level
Pizza, Craft Beer, Coffee, Indian Food, Anything That Is Free
This is the lifeblood of startups. Without this food, they would wither away with nothing left but a plaid shirt, tight-fitting jeans and some Chukka boots. The pizza doesn’t have to be great, the Indian food can be ‘okay’ (especially when the buffet happens to be unlimited), but if you dare present these startups with anything other than a hand-crafted cold one, you better strap yourself in for a judgement-filled ride of shame. With the exception of beer, the fundamental rule for startups around The Brandery is that if the food is free, you devour it, because who knows when you’ll scrape together enough money for your next meal.
Second Level
Doritos, Gummy Bears, Flamin Hot Cheetos, Goldfish, Donuts
Have you ever been to a farm and watched the cows graze on the grass all day long? The items on the second level are the grass, and the cows are the people who work at startups. This food can not be on the first level because it does not provide enough sustenance for even scraggliest of startups to survive. Do not be mistaken, this food serves a very important purpose! The items on this level give quick bursts of energy throughout the day for those struggling to stay awake. These are also great items to have around for those who like to “stress eat.” Tensions can be high at times around The Brandery and nothing takes the edge off quite like eating an entire family-sized box of Goldfish over the course of fifteen minutes.
Third Level
Fruit, Vegetables
Simply put, these are not of the highest priority. It’s not that startups don’t like fruits and vegetables, they just don’t give the same bang for your buck as some of the other food in the pyramid. Maybe once and a while you’ll have an apple, possibly a salad, but to have something green with every meal is out of the question.
Top
Anything over 7 dollars
Startups consume the food in this section sparingly. If the food they’re eating is this expensive, they better be out getting lunch with an investor. Seven dollars is too much for a meal when that same money could be used to feed a team of developers for a week.
